Walk Away

"Thank you". Those were her final words. The phrase that was accompanied by a painful freedom three months ago.

She inhaled deeply as she pulled her cardigan tighter around herself, her hands tucked comfortably inside her pocket. The air was filled with a vibrant scent. Golden blooms showing off their glory all around her. The daffodils were the pride and joy of Pembroke College's hard-working gardener. Spring was manifesting itself in the most beautiful way. There, in a distance, a boy pulls out some change in exchange for a mint-flavoured ice-cream. Passing the ice-cream to the other excited girl beside him, he held her face between his hands and gazed into her love-struck soul. The girl looked down shyly.

The last time she held his face between her hands was that evening. Often, it would be when he misplace something as important as his keys. 

"Hey, hey. Don't panic. You'll find it alright." His tense muscle relaxed beneath her gentle palms and he sighed. This calm-down tactic works all the time with the kids she taught. She never thought that her classroom skills can be applied outside and on adults too. He was never a boy. From the first time she met him to the time she knew of his inmost secrets, he was always a man to her. Courageous, resilient and decisive. Three words she would use to sum him up until she told him of the plan. 

"So. when will you..." His voice faded as he allowed his thoughts to escape. After four years, she knew that thoughts rarely escape with him. 

"Next month"

She saw his grip tightened on the edge of the wooden bench they were sitting on as the sun sets. His eyes fixed on the moist green grass beneath their feet. She waited for his response but all she could hear was the sound of her heart playing to the mixed symphony of feelings. Perhaps this time round things would be different. When he finally exclaimed "Great! You'll do great like you always do!",  the symphony died down and there was a deep, familiar grieving silence. And then she heard her own logic screaming at her. The same message it shouted the first time he made his feelings known to her; the hour he told her of her value and worth and what an undeserving creature he is; the minute he uttered, "But I am not ready yet". The moment she realised he was not going to fight for her. It was clear: Walk away. 

She cupped his face between her hands, looked into his brown eyes and saw the fire in his soul dimmed. She smiled. 

 Akin to the moment two years ago, "Thank you," she said. And this time, she walked away. 

This Must Be Love.

She decided to finally write about him because these days if he comes to mind, emotions flow gently and almost stagnant-like, similar to the waters at the downstream of a river. No rapid courses of the upstream. The first encounter was as nonchalant as the downstream phase. She was told of his presence and she firmly decided to ignore. She have heard bits and pieces of his life, saw him once or twice but his face never really imprinted on her memory. He is one of them, let's just dismiss him, shall we? Yes, we shall. That was what she thought and she maintained this notion when they shook hands for the first time;  when they held mini conversations all throughout; when she caught glimpses of him unconsciously doing the right things away from the crowd's watchful eyes. And when this judgement she passed upon him starts to waver, she panicked. She realised that dismissal has turned into attraction. For a month or two, irrational euphoric emotions ruled her life, reliving those teenage years with endless amount of background checks and stalking. The goal was to draw his attention and finally have him. She does everything in power. This must be love. She cannot get him off her mind. This must be love. She sees a bright future together.  This must be love. Everything points to him. Everything connects. This must be love. She must wait patiently. It took effort, courage, prayers. It hurts. This, really, must be love. How foolish! How foolish of her to be blinded by her very own whims and fancies. The wait lasted without any reciprocation and the once strong firework of emotions begin to fizzle out. With the self -inflicted bruises on her mind, she decided to give up the pointless, overwhelming pursuit. Time to move on. Pull herself together and find herself.

Then, their paths crossed once again.  The heavy downpour that evening, a serendipity. While waiting for the storm to pass, conversation ensued. Just her and him. Almost like a scene from Nicholas Spark's novel. For the first time, they talked. She find him far from who she imagined him to be. Starkly different from the one she was intially attracted to. More time were spent together, more stories were exchanged. This time round, she did not allow herself to be washed away by fast-flowing emotions. She would not go for him. She would find her true self, be her true self and let him find her if it is meant to be.  And she learnt of his fear, his weakness, his beliefs and views. She saw him as a human person and not the perfect knight formed and shaped by her emotions and preferences. She was no longer attracted to him. Instead, she respected him. She respected him for his non-bias perspectives; for his steadfast decisions; for his firm beliefs and dreams; it astounded her, how he was anything but fickle-minded. Such assurance. He made her view the world differently. Somehow, he inspired her to be better. The goal shifted. She didn't need his attention. She didn't want to own him. She didn't want anything but what was supposed to be. She wishes him all the happiness in the world regardless of whether fate will bring them together or when he finally tells her he found his other half and it isn't her. She decided to finally write about him because devoid of the exhilarating emotions, in the stillness of her heart and mind, she learnt to love.

For the Sake of Self

I first read the story of "The Little Prince" when I was 14. Now, 9 years later, I still remember my favourite part of the book: The child narrator drew a boa constrictor swallowing an elephant and when he showed his artwork to adults they would interpret it as a hat. They never saw his giant snake neither did he understood the reason for their interpretations. With the little literature knowledge I have, I decided on my own accord that it's theme is realising your dreams and achieving them. Personally, I thought that the book is deep and carries much symbolism. Often I wonder why is it Children's literature when it would speak volume to adults.

Anyhow, the boa constrictor drawing led me to believe that I should never lose the inner child in me. My fourteen-year-old self made a promise to my future self that I will always do things that I believe in; I will not stop believing in my dreams no matter what other people think of them - specifically what the clever adults in my life thought.

I gave up my dream of being a writer after internship and doing my project work last year. These string of experiences were evidence that writing is not my forte. Unless I am to write about my life and emotions. I've learnt to embrace my strength: building rapports and dealing face-to-face with people. That was when I decided to leave this blog to die. What is the point anyway, right? I am too busy as well. 

Until recently. When a friend encouraged me to continue writing. "You could still write. For yourself. For emotional therapy." Simultaneously, the words of a beloved lecturer echoed in a distance, "Maybe you can have a column for yourself someday".

Writing this piece, I realised, is more than just reviving a blog. It is an act of daring to dream again. It is fulfilling the vow I made when I was 14.  I have forgotten how long since I have defended my own boa constrictor drawing. It seems like I have succumb to the opinion of things and those around me. My drawing has become a mere hat.

I am not saying that my life has turned into a mundane, restricted journey. Please do me a favour and be rid of the impression that I am being controlled or have lost controlled over my own life. It just dawned upon me that I have not dared to dream for myself for a long time.

By 'dream', I do not mean mere imagination; it is something I believe in and something I do for myself. Lately, my decisions and actions have always been for the good of all (at least, I think so).  There were so many 'yes' I gave when the heart was screaming 'no' and vice versa. This is what mature adults do, don't they? They put themselves aside. Even at the expense of their own dream? Perhaps. 

Frankly, it is getting a little tiring. Since when did fighting for your own dream became a selfish crime? 

I desire so ardently to do things for myself again. To decide for myself once more.  Like writing. So what if I am not going to be on the list of best-selling authors? So what if I will never live of my writing? I am not doing it for fame or wealth or for anyone else. I write for me.

I am aware that there are roads which I have to take out of love and responsibility. I will not shun reality. However, it does not mean that I cannot tread these paths without allowing the inner child in me to live. The inner child who will defend her dream and do the things she believe in regardless of what other people say or think.

I shall strive to live my dreams: To be ordinarily great. To own a personal library. To travel and experience the world. To invest in things that I value even if there will be no returns.To never settle for mediocre. To never extinguish that passion for the things I believe in.

Ready For Love?

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog. That explains my current lack of creativity and worsening syntactical skills, I believe. When I first started my blog, it was never meant to be religious or "preachy/ preaching" or whatever one may label it. It was simply a space to pour out my thoughts and allow me some free emotional therapy. Tonight, I decided to post this partly because I need to practice my writing skills and partly to share my strong view on a topic I have grown accustomed to, while striving to practice: Chastity.

I spent almost my whole day (besides helping out in the kitchen and the afternoon siesta!) accompanying my grandmother in front of the television. I do not really watch television any more these days apart from watching Chelsea playing live on screen. We were browsing through the channels and I found this new series on Diva called Ready for Love. The title sounds intriguing so I told my grandma to skip her usual Chinese drama to watch this. Barely thirty minutes into the series, I squirmed in my seat feeling utterly uneasy and uncomfortable. No, I was not put off by the sex scenes or the violent gore. In fact, I saw none of that.

The reality show was about three rich, good-looking and successful bachelors who are looking for a serious relationship- a woman they can and want to marry, a wife. Well, that is something interesting, taking into account how the selfish world today portrays marriage as an unnecessary troublesome commitment. The three bachelors would have to choose one girl at the end of the day and these beautiful, smart and equally successful young girls are competing furiously against each other to gain and sustain the attention of the bachelors. Three 'matchmakers' provide the girls with so-called wise and helpful advices on how to do so.

One beautiful girl was deemed perfect because she has much self-control and she choose to save it before marriage (not just sex but anything that could lead to sex). In other words, she wants to be chaste. A disappointing advice she got from her matchmaker is that she needs to loosen up; to let herself free and be bold because she was controlling and restraining herself too much. She needs to do something bold in order to take the relationship one step further. Prove that you want him, you want to be here. She did. By giving her first kiss to him, promising him that her kiss is perfect. He was, of course, taken aback, delighted and could not wait for the next kiss. She told herself that the matchmaker would be proud of her. Both the bachelor and the girl barely knew each other. They went on dates a couple of times, each lasting less than a few hours. I bet she does not even know where he graduated from. Not that it matters but the point is they are mere acquaintance!  After this scene, I switched to another channel. I just cannot bear to watch it any longer. 

If I need to sustain a man's attention by giving in to lust then he is definitely not worth it. If I want to marry a man, I want a husband who fights for me. Not the other way round. If I were to attract a man, I would attract him with my heart, because that would keep him. If I were to give something of myself away (my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my body), that someone has to earn it and earn it so well so as to be called my husband. At one point, the bachelor keeps reiterating, "You appear to be so perfect, I just need to know one of your flaws to connect with you". She answered, "I am not perfect".  He pushes her to drop her guard. The one thing he fails to see is he has to earn it. She is definitely NOT perfect but to uncover your faults to someone, you need to trust that someone. To be more than just acquaintance. It takes time. 

I am shaken and sickened by the whole show. The matchmakers were there to spice things up, fuel the scandal; making these uniquely gorgeous women fight among themselves and do whatever it takes to win the heart of the bachelors. The whole show serves as a perfect weapon of destroying their self-worth. They start comparing themselves with another, plotting cunning ploys to gain his attention, cultivating envy towards the other contestants and fighting to win the ultimate 'prize'. Love becomes a game. Human beings become objects that can be won and bought in a sense. Every soul will end up feeling used and empty, physically and emotionally. Human value is degraded so low as to be an equal of a 'thing'- a piece on a chessboard. What happened to true love? What happened to true dating and courtship?

This is warp. I am better off watching Princess Sophia cartoon. Fantasy but still better than this. 

Streɪndʒə

I thought hard about things for a long time. Then I came to this realization. I can go always go back to where I first begun. Always.

If I can overlook you, not even remembering your face. Despite our few meets and the fact that the rest are pointing you out, I truly only notice your name because it has been said over and over again among the rest.

If I told myself that there would be no solid chance that we would hold a good conversation. I would not want to waste my time.

If I stereotyped you as typical like the rest of your bunch just by looking at the way you act and by what others told me (Unfair of me, I know). You were just another typical which is not at all, appealing.

If I told myself that first time we met that I would never initiate anything to make friends. Never. If you remember clearly, initiation was your part.

Yesterday someone pointed out, maybe its all a game. Maybe its all about ego and challenge. Then I thought:

If I did all that, what makes you think that I cannot possibly go back to where it all first began? I began with disgust at your typical attitude (which I am still convinced that you are). And, I began without the slightest interest. In fact, there was none. Nothing. At all. I could always go back. Always.

So, I did. Today, I looked straight into your soul, held that gaze and smile. A friendly gesture I give to strangers. Strangers. I quit playing games a long, long time ago and I would not I want to be involved in any. I am always usually truly sincere until someone takes thing for granted and put it all simply as a game.

Stranger (Oxford Dictionary)

• a person whom one does not know or with whom one is not familiar

Therefore, a stranger. That is what you were to me and will be to me from now on and strangers we shall remain.

If I Die Young

My best friend told me someone we saw last month passed away not too long ago and I thought I would produce this piece while listening to "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. The thought of how short life is got me thinking and writing. An ironical piece for the first day of Chinese New Year.

If I am called tomorrow,
I just want you to know that you will be fine without me.
You have been through so much I know you are so much stronger, so much more independent now.
Sometimes it seems unfair for you but I know you are called for something great.
You still have so much to learn, so much to discover from the world; So remain close to the Lord.
Be rational; do not follow your emotions and know that family will always back you up no matter what happens.

If I am called tomorrow,
I just want you to know that I am sorry I could not travel the world with you and realised much of our dreams that we planned together.
Be confident because you are beautiful. It takes a little bit of time and a little faith to see what is in store for you.
You must know that there is something very special about you, something that is already there but you just can't see yet.
I see it and thank God for you in my life.

If I am called tomorrow,
I just want you to know I do not know how come I still included you guys here.
Perhaps because I do care about you guys.
I need you to know that once upon a time my self worth was deeply wounded by your treatment.
You apologised. Explained. And I accepted every word.
I am sorry I created the distance between us and drifted apart. I still have bits of insecurities every time I am around you so avoiding is the best way.
Thank you all the same for making me stronger.
Take care, guys.
Know that you guys are still dear to me.
I hope you realized by now how much I am worth.

If I am called tomorrow,
I just want you to know that all of you are the ones who made my life so beautiful.
Thank you for showing me and assuring me that I am worth more than I think I was.
Thank you for making me smile and laugh when misery was a tidal wave trying to drown me. Thank you for believing in me.
How could I make it through without all of you.

If I am called tomorrow,
I just want you to know that I prayed about us.
I was pretty confident about you and me.
I was waiting.
And I did hope.
At least now I know it is not meant to be.
I wish you every happiness.

If I am called tomorrow,
I know I am loved.
I know I loved.
I am reluctant but I'll go.
I hope I have done my part well.

Very much appreciated, thank you!

I was halfway through my post when I decided to delete everything I have written for the past hour and start writing again. You see the past four weeks has taught me a lot. There were a few fond memories and extraordinary moments which I will never forget. If there was one big thing that was special and worth highlighting, it would be the different outlook I choose to adopt. After being plagued with endless wave of emotions, I realized that all the insecurities, self- pitying and restlessness must be dealt with.There was this issue of being cared about, being appreciated, being respected. I needed to look at this soul through my Lover's eyes once more and continue to do so for the rest of my life. I needed to remove that distorted image I had and stop blaming Him for all the storms and choppy waters. So, I did that and I try to do so whenever possible now. Focus on the bright side and be positive. Now, now, for those all around. This is dedicated to both, those who lack appreciation:

You were probably the one I am most comfortable with and I enjoy being around you. Laughter is a never-failing ingredient in all our conversations. I just wish that you would appreciate a bit more and care a bit more. You were my priority but I know I had to distance myself because the question of self worth always pop up whenever I am around you. It did not help that my head was filled with the thought of pretty princess in my shoes that every moment, she would be treated very, very differently. Oh, no! Don't get me wrong. This ranting is not like before demanding you to be more sensitive to my needs. No, I have come to realization that it is not your fault entirely. I have come to accept the fact that I cannot force you to appreciate me. Someone brought up the issue of protection to me the other day and my heart went, "They protect me? No, thanks. They have taught me that I need to protect myself. So I have learnt to count on myself a long time ago. They do not need to be burdened with the responsibility of protecting me." I realized that if I love being around all of you and want to continue doing so, I need to stop all this thinking and feeling about appreciation and care. I need to truly know my worth and be grounded in the truth that I am special and that I am loved. I may not be your priority. You may doubt my capabilities as a dancer, as a proper girl. You may not chose to accompany me all the way back for certain reasons. But I know who I am. I'll put everything behind me and now, any gentle offers to assist me in any way unless for official purposes, I gently decline because you have made me Miss Independent. This is to all of you who once lack appreciation but I somehow know and hope that somewhere deep down, you still care and appreciates. May our relationship last forever :)

And those who appreciated right from the start:

You and I did not have much of a rapport but only at the start. No doubt, I feel closer to those on the other side. I still feel that and always will. You were the one who brighten up my day and restrain me from wallowing in the deep pool of sorrow and drench me with the positive juice. I may not have survived the waves of emotions without all of you. You were indeed His blessings to me. I will never forget how much you cheer me up with that simple gesture of treating me like a proper girl. You were not hesitant and need not to be told when you offered a hand or when you were trying to protect me from being burdened if the situation allows you to do so. The encouragement and the trust you gave me when I sorely needed one were simply unforgettable. I will never forget the moments when we worked together. Those moments were so fond I still smile every time I think of it. That was exactly what I needed. You helped me. You did not choose to sit and not lift a finger. Neither did you choose to do everything for fear that I am not able to do it. I may not need your help but I am more than happy you did. You may say, "I am simply doing it because that was what I am supposed to do". Maybe. You have carried out your responsibility very well then. You care and appreciate. You showed you did. This is for all those who appreciate and care was not afraid to do so. I am forever grateful to all of you. Thank you! May we never forget to show how much we care and appreciate one another :)

Small Matter, Big Concern

Phrase of the week: Small matter. There is this saying, "Don't make a mountain out of a molehill." How can the human race refuse to agree with this statement? It is very true indeed that when another party does turn a tiny matter into a big nuisance, one cannot help but to feel extreme annoyance and frustration. Especially when the other party is a Negative Energy Feeder- one who dwells on the negative side of situations and is the happiest when he or she managed to spread all the negative aura to others and cover the entire place with black clouds. One that feeds on negativity and radiates negativity. Alright Negative Energy Feeders aside, why does one overreact and assume that something is a big deal when in the eyes of many it could merely be called a problem? An OCD person perhaps. Maybe that person is a psycho and a control freak. Or maybe it really is something huge to the other person. That "small matter" means more than you think to the other person.

Let me tell you something. Never ever tell someone, "It is a small matter" when you have never walked in the person's shoes. Never. You never know how much burden that is being carried in one's heart. You don't how much pain one has to bear. You don't know how much courage and strength it takes to draw that smile across the face in order to fool the world. Every heart has it's personal struggle. A struggle no one understands apart from the very soul itself and it's Creator. Tell that weary soul, "Take it easy. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Let it go. All is fine" but it is never that simple. Sure, it is pretty simple to utter all these words. It is easy to brush aside another person's worries and to dismiss someone's sigh as an exaggeration. Before uttering all those words. Think. Was all that not done by the other person? You think the other person is not trying to heal the sorrows and move on? It is being done every moment. In their innermost being, they wished it was as simple as what others have said. If only every piece of hurtful memories, all the doldrums could be wiped away with a sentence, "Take it easy". Perhaps, in moment like these, a reassuring hug speaks louder than comments that are not needed. Another person's small matter may be small to you but a big concern to them. Never disregard another person's problem as miniature no matter how you feel towards their problems or how you perceived it to be. Because a struggle is always a struggle. If you cannot understand one's struggle, then don't be a struggle to that person.

Not Just a Pretty Face

Stereotyping happens all the time. We all stereotyped other people and I honestly admit that I am very fond of stereotyping and I am very good at it. I am not proud of it. I love to use the label "typical". Every individual is beautiful in their very own ways. Each of us is created with an inner beauty; a special inner self. We are all uniquely beautiful. They say all that matters is the inside of a person. If this true, why does very magazine cover and every advertisement features only thin, pretty ladies. Advertising agencies use the vanity approach to appeal to customers: Use this product and you will make heads turn as you sashay along the paved walkway. Why is this approach so effective? Simply because most individual feels insecure. They feel the need to turn heads but they do not believe that their innate talents and beauty will help them do so. Some even grew up believing that they are not beautiful no matter what because of the treatment they received from others. Their self- confidence were marred by those who treat them a little less simply because their perpetrators believe they don't look attractive enough. It is not uncommon to have a thin, pretty lady receive more attention than a fat, unattractive woman. Looks seem to play an important role. The outer finish seem to be more vital than the inner substance. The pretty princess always, always get better treatment than her opposite peer. Her physical beauty seems to override every other more important aspects such as the heart and the soul. She never had to lift a finger to do most thing because her looks captivate many hearts. While her unattractive friend had to struggle to get people to believe in her inner beauty and capabilities. As much as everyone seem to emphasize on the inner beauty, many still can't help but to treat a pretty girl better than wasting their time on an unattractive girl. I understand that people are generally attracted to pretty objects and good looking human beings. It is not wrong to get attracted. "Typical"s are those who only see the typical traits in another and are generally attracted to these traits, which in this case is typical beauty: Pretty face, petite, fair, slim and soft- spoken. Sometimes, these "typical"s focuses on the typical traits so much that they forget to look beyond all that. They tend to overlook those who do not have all the typical traits. They forget that they are due the same respect as the other typical beauties. Why look at an unattractive girl and assume that she has nothing to offer, nothing worth your time and energy? At the end of the day I truly believe that the heart and soul is all that matters because it is who you are. If one possessed the greatest physical beauty in the world but is rotten at heart, then, she would is not beautiful at all. However, if she is ugly physically but has a good heart, she is a beautiful gem. Every individual deserve the same amount of respect and worth. Every book has a wonderful story to tell. It's cover may not be appealing but it has it's own treasure of unique stories. To all "typical"s out there, please remember: It is not just about the pretty face. Search for that X-factor. That uniqueness will be worthwhile.

Dad

Father's Day. I look back at all my post and realized I never dare mention "Dad" in every post that was meant for you. Perhaps because mentioning "Dad" in all of them would only affirm the fact that you are gone. It would only acknowledge the fact that you are no longer around. This time round I want it to be different. I miss you, Dad. My first Father's Day without you. I walked down Gaya Street today and remembered the last time I set my feet upon that place was with you and Grandma. That Caprilla ice cream truck reminded me of how much you just wanted to enjoy your ice cream that day. It felt so different celebrating Father's Day without you. Weird. Even though they say you are listening to every word I am telling you, it doesn't feel that way. It is so hard to not see, hear or touch you anymore; when you are not responding. I am listening to that song I first heard when we both watched that Cantonese drama. You made me laugh so hard. You are humour itself. You never fail to make me laugh whenever you want to. I still laugh to myself when I recalled the silly jokes you make. There is so much I want to tell you, daddy but perhaps it is sufficient now to say that I miss you. A lot. You never left my heart and you never will.

Celebrating Our Love.

I must begin with this sentence because everything started with this: I lost my both my parents last year. For those of you who have been following my blog, you would have realized that my recent posts would be about these two most important persons in my life. I lost my mum first in January and then my dad in August. I cried at their funeral. I cried a few days after they were gone. And I shed tears sometimes when I think of them. But I had never acknowledged how much pain this loss has caused me. I told myself I had to move on and that life is not always a bed of roses. That it must be filled with suffering if it's God's will. I must be strong. It is all part of God's great plan. And that I would want it if that is what God wants of me. All the reasons I gave myself was indeed true. One thing about me is that my ego is huge. The Pacific ocean would not be vast enough to hold my ego. So to admit that I was broken and in pain was definitely not an option. I chose to remain strong. Burying the pain and shoving every pain down the rug, believing that time will heal it. I have always believe that in a relationship, honesty is the best policy and the worst thing you could do is shove things under the rug. I was doing the very thing I despised the most. Ironic isn't it? The price I paid for my ego? My relationship with my God. God is my solid foundation. Put it simply: Without Jesus, I am nothing. He is my sweetheart; My first love and my last love. Maintaining a good relationship with God all theses years was hard. But I think I manage to pull through. Things got extremely hard when He took both my parents away. It was not as if I was missing mass and being rebellious or anything like that. I attended mass faithfully and in fact, I tried getting in touch back with Him. I still enthusiastically encouraged all those around me to love Him. Despite all that, I was aware that I was drifting apart but I never thought that it would have to do with my secrets under the rug. I couldn't talk to Him like before. I could not sing Him a proper love song- words would flow from my mouth but there is this obstacle in my heart. I find myself not saying "I love you" in my prayers. And when my prayers were answered, I rejoiced but my heart wasn't fill with as much gratitude. I simply couldn't connect with Him like I used to. There was a hindrance somewhere in my heart. I regarded the hindrance was merely due to me not having enough time and tiredness. And of course, I was wrong. I was out of touch with my Beloved for almost a year. I dread the feeling. It was horrible not being in touch. I have that sense of emptiness. The void that cannot be filled. I wanted Him so much that I actually had the thought that the only way of getting in touch back with Him is probably to be a nun (Still, now if I am called, I would go). And then yesterday, everything was unveiled. The truth was I was angry at Him. I was hiding my pain from Him. And because He had blessed me so much all these while, because He has been tremendously good to me, I felt guilty that I should feel that way towards Him. When I come before Him I have nothing to say anymore because I was so angry at Him. The reasons I gave myself were true. The loss of my parents was part of His great plan and it was His will. However, it does not mean that I should ignore the pain I suffer from their loss. It does not mean that I should come before God and pretend that everything was under control when I was crumbling inside. I got Him all wrong. He never meant for me to go through these all alone. What's more is that He never meant that in the midst of embracing His will, I must not express what I feel. He is my Lover, loving me more than anyone else could ever have in this world. My feelings matter to Him. He is well aware that I know He knows best (even if I may not like His plans) and that I could tell Him that I am hurting inside. I forgot that He is God and He can take it if I was mad at Him. I forgot that I could tell Him anything. I forgot that we were lovers and lovers share their burdens not hide them. I forgot that He can heal me of the pain if only I ask. I forgot that part of being in a relationship is to never lie because you think it is too much for your partner to handle (Besides, in my case, my partner is God. How can anything be too much for Him to handle?). I am humbled because I proudly and personally thought I knew Him well enough. If I knew Him well enough, I would not be afraid that He would be mad if I tell Him I didn't want Him to take my parents away. I am on the journey of rediscovery and recovery. Rediscovering Him and the love we had once more. I have a lot to learn and discover about Him-My God is limitless and infinite. Recovering from the pain which I no longer hide. I revealed to the world now that I am still in deep pain. I accept this pain of loss as part of me and I want to move on. It is not going to be easy- I need lots of prayers but this time, I have Jesus by my side. No more blocking Him out. No more hiding. We are on speaking terms now. And I am so glad. This post is to celebrate our love again. He longs to be my lover and more than anything, I long to be His. For the first time, after what seems like a million years to me, I can say to Him sincerely from the heart, without any hindrance: "I love you so much, Jesus. With every beat of my heart. With every breathe that I take."

Happy journeying, Sweetheart. It was silly of me to try and not involve You- to hide what I have been feeling all the while. In all our intimacy, let me never forget that You are God and limit You in a box. Being in a relationship with me, doesn't make You ordinary. You are God and always will be God. Please never ever let me forget that. I LOVE YOU. Very much. With all my being, with all I am, I love you, Jesus.

Even in my dreams

When I need you

I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
Its only a heart beat away

When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

The first time I heard this song was when I was watching a Chinese drama series with you, I was about six years old I think. I can vaguely remember now. But I know that day I laughed non- stop because you made fun of the actor in the drama. It was so funny.I miss your jokes and funny remarks. I miss everything about you. I just had a long nap and I dreamt. And even in my dream, I miss you.

Make Heaven Wait

I know I must be strong and life has to go on without both of you. There are moments when the slightest thing reminds me of both of you. Something as simple as 'Pringles' or a hair saloon. Those moments are when my tears will flow unceasingly. Those are the moments when I realised how much I missed the both of you. It hurts me so much when I know I can no longer feel you, see you or even hear you. It hurts me so much to know that I will never be able to repay you and let you taste my first official wage. It hurts me so much when I reminisce all the times we had together; when I know that I will never experience those times again. Not a single day passes me by without you both on my mind. I have so many dreams and plan to share with you both. I know this feeling of loss will never go away. I will live my life as I should; optimistically and full of hope, trusting in the Lord. But this loss will always stay to remind me of two most special people I had in my life. I love you both. And I pray that I will make you both proud. It is so hard without you both. But I will make it through. I know I will.

Wishes

When you lose someone, you feel the sense of loss. And its normal. You know that life has to go on and the person would want to see you deal with life wisely; becoming a somebody to the world. Letting go is easy- accepting the fact that the person is no longer around. And you go on in life as usual. Then, you realise everything in life reminds you of him. The happy times you had together especially, deepens that pit of loss. Then, you realise how much you misses him. The little things he did that you never knew would make such a great impact in your life. A simple thing like picking you up at the airport. When he was still up and around, you barely give a thought to how much joy it gives him to see your face. You wish you had involved him more in your routine. You wish he could still be part of your routine. You wish you didn't keep that distance because you were afraid that if you were too attached, it would be hard to let him go. You wish that he could see you with a scroll in your hand. You wish that he would walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. You wish for everything you had never given a thought at all before.

Daddy's Little Girl

When a little girl says that she would marry her dad when she grows up, her dad must be a very good dad.

I have never told my father what a good man he has been. I have never realised that he is actually a man of honour until he is gone forever. My father is a very strong man on the outside but he has a very soft and tender heart. He cares about my feeling more than his own and he would never ever tell me about the trials and tribulations he is going through. The brave mask will always be on to hide all the worries and tension he is experiencing so as not to worry his daughter. When I was younger, I thought that my father was a man who never listens, who will never understand and a very stern man. He was more like a discplinarian than a father. I fear him and I thought that he will never be a friend. I was proven wrong especially when my dad was my darling daddy and I could share almost everything and anything with him (well not all...most of it though...). He allowed me the freedom my friends' yearned for. He understands me. He is open- minded. He was my advisor. Of course, he has his flaws. I have always thought that people were only saying; paying their last respect to the dead person when they say, "He was a good man, a good father, as well as a good husband". On the other hand, when I truly thought about it, my father was indeed a good man, a good father, and a good husband.

Daddy,

I have never told you this. I just want you to know that you have been a good dad as well. And yes, when it is time for me to get married I would want a husband like you. You have been a very strong person and I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I realise how hard it must have been for you with Mummy going away and leaving you alone. I love you, dad. And no matter how old I have grown, I will always be your little girl ok? You don't ever forget that. Thank you for everything you have done for me and Amber. You don't worry about me ok. Its time I learn how to be independent and learn how to be a big girl.

Dreams

My heart fears. Of all things, this heart fears my dreams because dreams will make the heart suffer. Frankly, my dreams have changed. When I was a little girl, I aspire to be a succesful business woman. Wealthy and living a glamorous life on the fab lane. When I first heard about university, I sought to do medicine- somehow I didn't think I was cut out to be one or perhaps I am just to lazy to work for the grades I need to enter a medical school (my pointer is definitely not enough). And now, when the time has come for me to spread my wings and pursue my dreams, I don't really what my dreams are. Sad but, true. After so many years of filling in the word 'neurologist' as my ambition, now I am no where near the science field. I am going to one of the best university in Malaysia- secretly, I believe it is the best university in Malaysia. I would be jumping for joy if I am able to do my degree outside Malaysia but hey, who am I to whine? I should be thankful! And I got the course I wanted, my first choice. So I am one blessed individual I would say! I don't really know if I truly wanted this course. But a dear friend once told me that she picture me as an editor of a renowned magazine company. I dismiss her words as pure imagination. Now I look at one of the career prospects for this course is to be a journalist. Hmmm...I wonder if I will be an editor someday. Whatever it is I am still searching for what my heart truly desires. What this heart truly fears. I pray I am on the right track. On the path that God has paved for me before the world even began- only if I live long enough to travel the path. Life is short. But I guess, no matter what our desires are, deep down every soul shares the same dream: To be loved and love in return. And that fulfiling love can only be found when one comes to know the Creator. Ironic isn't it? I know this yet I am still searching. My mind is so boggled up now.

On second thought...

I choose this font today because I want to make my statement bold and clear. Despite of what I wrote in my post yesterday, I strongly BELIEVE that at the end of the day, CONFIDENCE is all that it takes to be noticed and valued. The world always tell you this isn't so. For those of you out there who find yourself "unworthy" because your look, hold your head high because I believe if one search that very depths of your soul, they will find that special thing in you. A typical saying? Typical but true, nonetheless. Most importantly you must know and believe that you have that special thing in you; you must have the CONFIDENCE. The world can despise a person because of his or her looks but there is something in you that is more valuable than just the look. God created each and every one of us for a purpose. Some of us know what we were born to do, some of us are still traveling down the path to do what we are called to do while some of us are still searching what we suppose to do- I am one of them. Whatever we are called to do, we need to use that valuable gift we have. And if our looks is not one of our assets, then fine. Shower the cruel, unforgiving world with love, have confidence, and the world will thank you even if you are an ugly duckling. Because the world longs for attention and all they get are false ones. You, on the other hand, offer them a true and sincere attention which is love. It is hard to give away that love when you know how the world sees you- only from the outside. But, hey, that's why we are so special. We try to give even when the world thinks we have nothing to offer; we try to look beyond the flesh and see the golden treasure that lies within each individual. We try to accept ourselves for who we are.

"You don't have to be beautiful to be confident but you certainly have to be confident to be beautiful"