Not Just a Pretty Face

Stereotyping happens all the time. We all stereotyped other people and I honestly admit that I am very fond of stereotyping and I am very good at it. I am not proud of it. I love to use the label "typical". Every individual is beautiful in their very own ways. Each of us is created with an inner beauty; a special inner self. We are all uniquely beautiful. They say all that matters is the inside of a person. If this true, why does very magazine cover and every advertisement features only thin, pretty ladies. Advertising agencies use the vanity approach to appeal to customers: Use this product and you will make heads turn as you sashay along the paved walkway. Why is this approach so effective? Simply because most individual feels insecure. They feel the need to turn heads but they do not believe that their innate talents and beauty will help them do so. Some even grew up believing that they are not beautiful no matter what because of the treatment they received from others. Their self- confidence were marred by those who treat them a little less simply because their perpetrators believe they don't look attractive enough. It is not uncommon to have a thin, pretty lady receive more attention than a fat, unattractive woman. Looks seem to play an important role. The outer finish seem to be more vital than the inner substance. The pretty princess always, always get better treatment than her opposite peer. Her physical beauty seems to override every other more important aspects such as the heart and the soul. She never had to lift a finger to do most thing because her looks captivate many hearts. While her unattractive friend had to struggle to get people to believe in her inner beauty and capabilities. As much as everyone seem to emphasize on the inner beauty, many still can't help but to treat a pretty girl better than wasting their time on an unattractive girl. I understand that people are generally attracted to pretty objects and good looking human beings. It is not wrong to get attracted. "Typical"s are those who only see the typical traits in another and are generally attracted to these traits, which in this case is typical beauty: Pretty face, petite, fair, slim and soft- spoken. Sometimes, these "typical"s focuses on the typical traits so much that they forget to look beyond all that. They tend to overlook those who do not have all the typical traits. They forget that they are due the same respect as the other typical beauties. Why look at an unattractive girl and assume that she has nothing to offer, nothing worth your time and energy? At the end of the day I truly believe that the heart and soul is all that matters because it is who you are. If one possessed the greatest physical beauty in the world but is rotten at heart, then, she would is not beautiful at all. However, if she is ugly physically but has a good heart, she is a beautiful gem. Every individual deserve the same amount of respect and worth. Every book has a wonderful story to tell. It's cover may not be appealing but it has it's own treasure of unique stories. To all "typical"s out there, please remember: It is not just about the pretty face. Search for that X-factor. That uniqueness will be worthwhile.

Dad

Father's Day. I look back at all my post and realized I never dare mention "Dad" in every post that was meant for you. Perhaps because mentioning "Dad" in all of them would only affirm the fact that you are gone. It would only acknowledge the fact that you are no longer around. This time round I want it to be different. I miss you, Dad. My first Father's Day without you. I walked down Gaya Street today and remembered the last time I set my feet upon that place was with you and Grandma. That Caprilla ice cream truck reminded me of how much you just wanted to enjoy your ice cream that day. It felt so different celebrating Father's Day without you. Weird. Even though they say you are listening to every word I am telling you, it doesn't feel that way. It is so hard to not see, hear or touch you anymore; when you are not responding. I am listening to that song I first heard when we both watched that Cantonese drama. You made me laugh so hard. You are humour itself. You never fail to make me laugh whenever you want to. I still laugh to myself when I recalled the silly jokes you make. There is so much I want to tell you, daddy but perhaps it is sufficient now to say that I miss you. A lot. You never left my heart and you never will.

Celebrating Our Love.

I must begin with this sentence because everything started with this: I lost my both my parents last year. For those of you who have been following my blog, you would have realized that my recent posts would be about these two most important persons in my life. I lost my mum first in January and then my dad in August. I cried at their funeral. I cried a few days after they were gone. And I shed tears sometimes when I think of them. But I had never acknowledged how much pain this loss has caused me. I told myself I had to move on and that life is not always a bed of roses. That it must be filled with suffering if it's God's will. I must be strong. It is all part of God's great plan. And that I would want it if that is what God wants of me. All the reasons I gave myself was indeed true. One thing about me is that my ego is huge. The Pacific ocean would not be vast enough to hold my ego. So to admit that I was broken and in pain was definitely not an option. I chose to remain strong. Burying the pain and shoving every pain down the rug, believing that time will heal it. I have always believe that in a relationship, honesty is the best policy and the worst thing you could do is shove things under the rug. I was doing the very thing I despised the most. Ironic isn't it? The price I paid for my ego? My relationship with my God. God is my solid foundation. Put it simply: Without Jesus, I am nothing. He is my sweetheart; My first love and my last love. Maintaining a good relationship with God all theses years was hard. But I think I manage to pull through. Things got extremely hard when He took both my parents away. It was not as if I was missing mass and being rebellious or anything like that. I attended mass faithfully and in fact, I tried getting in touch back with Him. I still enthusiastically encouraged all those around me to love Him. Despite all that, I was aware that I was drifting apart but I never thought that it would have to do with my secrets under the rug. I couldn't talk to Him like before. I could not sing Him a proper love song- words would flow from my mouth but there is this obstacle in my heart. I find myself not saying "I love you" in my prayers. And when my prayers were answered, I rejoiced but my heart wasn't fill with as much gratitude. I simply couldn't connect with Him like I used to. There was a hindrance somewhere in my heart. I regarded the hindrance was merely due to me not having enough time and tiredness. And of course, I was wrong. I was out of touch with my Beloved for almost a year. I dread the feeling. It was horrible not being in touch. I have that sense of emptiness. The void that cannot be filled. I wanted Him so much that I actually had the thought that the only way of getting in touch back with Him is probably to be a nun (Still, now if I am called, I would go). And then yesterday, everything was unveiled. The truth was I was angry at Him. I was hiding my pain from Him. And because He had blessed me so much all these while, because He has been tremendously good to me, I felt guilty that I should feel that way towards Him. When I come before Him I have nothing to say anymore because I was so angry at Him. The reasons I gave myself were true. The loss of my parents was part of His great plan and it was His will. However, it does not mean that I should ignore the pain I suffer from their loss. It does not mean that I should come before God and pretend that everything was under control when I was crumbling inside. I got Him all wrong. He never meant for me to go through these all alone. What's more is that He never meant that in the midst of embracing His will, I must not express what I feel. He is my Lover, loving me more than anyone else could ever have in this world. My feelings matter to Him. He is well aware that I know He knows best (even if I may not like His plans) and that I could tell Him that I am hurting inside. I forgot that He is God and He can take it if I was mad at Him. I forgot that I could tell Him anything. I forgot that we were lovers and lovers share their burdens not hide them. I forgot that He can heal me of the pain if only I ask. I forgot that part of being in a relationship is to never lie because you think it is too much for your partner to handle (Besides, in my case, my partner is God. How can anything be too much for Him to handle?). I am humbled because I proudly and personally thought I knew Him well enough. If I knew Him well enough, I would not be afraid that He would be mad if I tell Him I didn't want Him to take my parents away. I am on the journey of rediscovery and recovery. Rediscovering Him and the love we had once more. I have a lot to learn and discover about Him-My God is limitless and infinite. Recovering from the pain which I no longer hide. I revealed to the world now that I am still in deep pain. I accept this pain of loss as part of me and I want to move on. It is not going to be easy- I need lots of prayers but this time, I have Jesus by my side. No more blocking Him out. No more hiding. We are on speaking terms now. And I am so glad. This post is to celebrate our love again. He longs to be my lover and more than anything, I long to be His. For the first time, after what seems like a million years to me, I can say to Him sincerely from the heart, without any hindrance: "I love you so much, Jesus. With every beat of my heart. With every breathe that I take."

Happy journeying, Sweetheart. It was silly of me to try and not involve You- to hide what I have been feeling all the while. In all our intimacy, let me never forget that You are God and limit You in a box. Being in a relationship with me, doesn't make You ordinary. You are God and always will be God. Please never ever let me forget that. I LOVE YOU. Very much. With all my being, with all I am, I love you, Jesus.

Even in my dreams

When I need you

I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
Its only a heart beat away

When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

The first time I heard this song was when I was watching a Chinese drama series with you, I was about six years old I think. I can vaguely remember now. But I know that day I laughed non- stop because you made fun of the actor in the drama. It was so funny.I miss your jokes and funny remarks. I miss everything about you. I just had a long nap and I dreamt. And even in my dream, I miss you.

Make Heaven Wait

I know I must be strong and life has to go on without both of you. There are moments when the slightest thing reminds me of both of you. Something as simple as 'Pringles' or a hair saloon. Those moments are when my tears will flow unceasingly. Those are the moments when I realised how much I missed the both of you. It hurts me so much when I know I can no longer feel you, see you or even hear you. It hurts me so much to know that I will never be able to repay you and let you taste my first official wage. It hurts me so much when I reminisce all the times we had together; when I know that I will never experience those times again. Not a single day passes me by without you both on my mind. I have so many dreams and plan to share with you both. I know this feeling of loss will never go away. I will live my life as I should; optimistically and full of hope, trusting in the Lord. But this loss will always stay to remind me of two most special people I had in my life. I love you both. And I pray that I will make you both proud. It is so hard without you both. But I will make it through. I know I will.

Wishes

When you lose someone, you feel the sense of loss. And its normal. You know that life has to go on and the person would want to see you deal with life wisely; becoming a somebody to the world. Letting go is easy- accepting the fact that the person is no longer around. And you go on in life as usual. Then, you realise everything in life reminds you of him. The happy times you had together especially, deepens that pit of loss. Then, you realise how much you misses him. The little things he did that you never knew would make such a great impact in your life. A simple thing like picking you up at the airport. When he was still up and around, you barely give a thought to how much joy it gives him to see your face. You wish you had involved him more in your routine. You wish he could still be part of your routine. You wish you didn't keep that distance because you were afraid that if you were too attached, it would be hard to let him go. You wish that he could see you with a scroll in your hand. You wish that he would walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. You wish for everything you had never given a thought at all before.

Daddy's Little Girl

When a little girl says that she would marry her dad when she grows up, her dad must be a very good dad.

I have never told my father what a good man he has been. I have never realised that he is actually a man of honour until he is gone forever. My father is a very strong man on the outside but he has a very soft and tender heart. He cares about my feeling more than his own and he would never ever tell me about the trials and tribulations he is going through. The brave mask will always be on to hide all the worries and tension he is experiencing so as not to worry his daughter. When I was younger, I thought that my father was a man who never listens, who will never understand and a very stern man. He was more like a discplinarian than a father. I fear him and I thought that he will never be a friend. I was proven wrong especially when my dad was my darling daddy and I could share almost everything and anything with him (well not all...most of it though...). He allowed me the freedom my friends' yearned for. He understands me. He is open- minded. He was my advisor. Of course, he has his flaws. I have always thought that people were only saying; paying their last respect to the dead person when they say, "He was a good man, a good father, as well as a good husband". On the other hand, when I truly thought about it, my father was indeed a good man, a good father, and a good husband.

Daddy,

I have never told you this. I just want you to know that you have been a good dad as well. And yes, when it is time for me to get married I would want a husband like you. You have been a very strong person and I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I realise how hard it must have been for you with Mummy going away and leaving you alone. I love you, dad. And no matter how old I have grown, I will always be your little girl ok? You don't ever forget that. Thank you for everything you have done for me and Amber. You don't worry about me ok. Its time I learn how to be independent and learn how to be a big girl.