She decided to finally write about him because these days if he comes to mind, emotions flow gently and almost stagnant-like, similar to the waters at the downstream of a river. No rapid courses of the upstream. The first encounter was as nonchalant as the downstream phase. She was told of his presence and she firmly decided to ignore. She have heard bits and pieces of his life, saw him once or twice but his face never really imprinted on her memory. He is one of them, let's just dismiss him, shall we? Yes, we shall. That was what she thought and she maintained this notion when they shook hands for the first time; when they held mini conversations all throughout; when she caught glimpses of him unconsciously doing the right things away from the crowd's watchful eyes. And when this judgement she passed upon him starts to waver, she panicked. She realised that dismissal has turned into attraction. For a month or two, irrational euphoric emotions ruled her life, reliving those teenage years with endless amount of background checks and stalking. The goal was to draw his attention and finally have him. She does everything in power. This must be love. She cannot get him off her mind. This must be love. She sees a bright future together. This must be love. Everything points to him. Everything connects. This must be love. She must wait patiently. It took effort, courage, prayers. It hurts. This, really, must be love. How foolish! How foolish of her to be blinded by her very own whims and fancies. The wait lasted without any reciprocation and the once strong firework of emotions begin to fizzle out. With the self -inflicted bruises on her mind, she decided to give up the pointless, overwhelming pursuit. Time to move on. Pull herself together and find herself.
Then, their paths crossed once again. The heavy downpour that evening, a serendipity. While waiting for the storm to pass, conversation ensued. Just her and him. Almost like a scene from Nicholas Spark's novel. For the first time, they talked. She find him far from who she imagined him to be. Starkly different from the one she was intially attracted to. More time were spent together, more stories were exchanged. This time round, she did not allow herself to be washed away by fast-flowing emotions. She would not go for him. She would find her true self, be her true self and let him find her if it is meant to be. And she learnt of his fear, his weakness, his beliefs and views. She saw him as a human person and not the perfect knight formed and shaped by her emotions and preferences. She was no longer attracted to him. Instead, she respected him. She respected him for his non-bias perspectives; for his steadfast decisions; for his firm beliefs and dreams; it astounded her, how he was anything but fickle-minded. Such assurance. He made her view the world differently. Somehow, he inspired her to be better. The goal shifted. She didn't need his attention. She didn't want to own him. She didn't want anything but what was supposed to be. She wishes him all the happiness in the world regardless of whether fate will bring them together or when he finally tells her he found his other half and it isn't her. She decided to finally write about him because devoid of the exhilarating emotions, in the stillness of her heart and mind, she learnt to love.
