Celebrating Our Love.

I must begin with this sentence because everything started with this: I lost my both my parents last year. For those of you who have been following my blog, you would have realized that my recent posts would be about these two most important persons in my life. I lost my mum first in January and then my dad in August. I cried at their funeral. I cried a few days after they were gone. And I shed tears sometimes when I think of them. But I had never acknowledged how much pain this loss has caused me. I told myself I had to move on and that life is not always a bed of roses. That it must be filled with suffering if it's God's will. I must be strong. It is all part of God's great plan. And that I would want it if that is what God wants of me. All the reasons I gave myself was indeed true. One thing about me is that my ego is huge. The Pacific ocean would not be vast enough to hold my ego. So to admit that I was broken and in pain was definitely not an option. I chose to remain strong. Burying the pain and shoving every pain down the rug, believing that time will heal it. I have always believe that in a relationship, honesty is the best policy and the worst thing you could do is shove things under the rug. I was doing the very thing I despised the most. Ironic isn't it? The price I paid for my ego? My relationship with my God. God is my solid foundation. Put it simply: Without Jesus, I am nothing. He is my sweetheart; My first love and my last love. Maintaining a good relationship with God all theses years was hard. But I think I manage to pull through. Things got extremely hard when He took both my parents away. It was not as if I was missing mass and being rebellious or anything like that. I attended mass faithfully and in fact, I tried getting in touch back with Him. I still enthusiastically encouraged all those around me to love Him. Despite all that, I was aware that I was drifting apart but I never thought that it would have to do with my secrets under the rug. I couldn't talk to Him like before. I could not sing Him a proper love song- words would flow from my mouth but there is this obstacle in my heart. I find myself not saying "I love you" in my prayers. And when my prayers were answered, I rejoiced but my heart wasn't fill with as much gratitude. I simply couldn't connect with Him like I used to. There was a hindrance somewhere in my heart. I regarded the hindrance was merely due to me not having enough time and tiredness. And of course, I was wrong. I was out of touch with my Beloved for almost a year. I dread the feeling. It was horrible not being in touch. I have that sense of emptiness. The void that cannot be filled. I wanted Him so much that I actually had the thought that the only way of getting in touch back with Him is probably to be a nun (Still, now if I am called, I would go). And then yesterday, everything was unveiled. The truth was I was angry at Him. I was hiding my pain from Him. And because He had blessed me so much all these while, because He has been tremendously good to me, I felt guilty that I should feel that way towards Him. When I come before Him I have nothing to say anymore because I was so angry at Him. The reasons I gave myself were true. The loss of my parents was part of His great plan and it was His will. However, it does not mean that I should ignore the pain I suffer from their loss. It does not mean that I should come before God and pretend that everything was under control when I was crumbling inside. I got Him all wrong. He never meant for me to go through these all alone. What's more is that He never meant that in the midst of embracing His will, I must not express what I feel. He is my Lover, loving me more than anyone else could ever have in this world. My feelings matter to Him. He is well aware that I know He knows best (even if I may not like His plans) and that I could tell Him that I am hurting inside. I forgot that He is God and He can take it if I was mad at Him. I forgot that I could tell Him anything. I forgot that we were lovers and lovers share their burdens not hide them. I forgot that He can heal me of the pain if only I ask. I forgot that part of being in a relationship is to never lie because you think it is too much for your partner to handle (Besides, in my case, my partner is God. How can anything be too much for Him to handle?). I am humbled because I proudly and personally thought I knew Him well enough. If I knew Him well enough, I would not be afraid that He would be mad if I tell Him I didn't want Him to take my parents away. I am on the journey of rediscovery and recovery. Rediscovering Him and the love we had once more. I have a lot to learn and discover about Him-My God is limitless and infinite. Recovering from the pain which I no longer hide. I revealed to the world now that I am still in deep pain. I accept this pain of loss as part of me and I want to move on. It is not going to be easy- I need lots of prayers but this time, I have Jesus by my side. No more blocking Him out. No more hiding. We are on speaking terms now. And I am so glad. This post is to celebrate our love again. He longs to be my lover and more than anything, I long to be His. For the first time, after what seems like a million years to me, I can say to Him sincerely from the heart, without any hindrance: "I love you so much, Jesus. With every beat of my heart. With every breathe that I take."

Happy journeying, Sweetheart. It was silly of me to try and not involve You- to hide what I have been feeling all the while. In all our intimacy, let me never forget that You are God and limit You in a box. Being in a relationship with me, doesn't make You ordinary. You are God and always will be God. Please never ever let me forget that. I LOVE YOU. Very much. With all my being, with all I am, I love you, Jesus.